“We (black women) don’t have to rely on men for financial or even emotional support,” she explained. “I blame the church for convincing women in the past to be homemakers and slaves to their husbands. That era is over. My job pays me more than most men I encounter. That’s probably the case for many black women. We’re also making progress in education and politics. We have finally reached full independence as a gender. Why would we jeopardize that for the sake of companionship? I guess that by not having a man, the main sacrifice would be long periods without sex. But that’s what toys are for, and like I said, we live in a different day, women are exploring their sexuality more and having sex with more than just one person. Women used to be stigmatized for hopping in bed with multiple partners, but lately we have been controlling the narrative. We decide the outcome of our sexuality.” “Black men aren’t deserving of a submissive woman. They have collectively failed to provide leadership and security to the black race. I have confronted my pastor about this topic. We aren’t living in the prehistoric era. In this day and age, how does any male clergy have the nerve to exhort women to be submissive to men? Especially black women—we have single-handedly carried the weight of our community on our backs. The males should be following us.”
The paragraph above is an excerpt from an article, “Feminism vs Misogyny: What’s Really to Blame for the Demise of Black Relationships?, “ by Corey Alexander Haywood who shared the views of an anonymous female associate. The article touches on the possible factors to why black men and women seem to be drifting further and further apart in the dating world.
“I know too many women, including myself, who have been cheated on or talked down to by their partners. In most cases, these women are black and so are the men they’re involved with. I can’t speak for all black women, but for those I know, we have simply gotten tired of clinging to the fantasy of building something real with a ‘good’ black man. I’m not saying they don’t exist—they do, but there are very few of them, and thousands of us competing for scraps. It’s a big waste of time,” stated the female associate.
Black women are feeling this way about black men in our communities and if we as men don’t wake up, we will be proven to be just that. A waste of time!
To underscore the point the female associate was trying to make, let’s refer to Nika C. Beamon, the author of “I Didn’t Work This Hard Just to Get Married: Successful Single Black Women Speak Out.” Beamon shared that many of the black women she interviewed for her book, put their careers first, and relationships were put on the backburner. And once they became financially successful—buying their own cars, or homes, and paying for a nice lifestyle on their own—there wasn’t an economic incentive to find a man to take care of them. She also mentioned that out of all the women she spoke to, the highly educated, financially successful black women were willing to date black men without the same level of education or success. Because these women were not looking for men to provide for them, many of the men they meet are intimidated by women who make more money or are more educated than they are. “Their attitude is, “What can I contribute?” which misses the point entirely—the women aren’t looking for them to contribute anything besides companionship!”
So what are your thoughts? Are black women carrying the weight of our community on their backs and no longer see a need for black men other than for companionship? And as black men are we only willing to date women that we feel will be submissive in the relationship?
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